We are entering the mutable. The sacred. We are living that porous, fluid time between time- el entretiempo.
I was making a fall playlist for my sister and started playing around with the title. I’ve included some staples, some retro tunes to the likes of James Taylor and Simon and Garfunkel and thrown a few jazzy songs from Mexico in the mix. One of the songs, “Eres Tú” caught my attention. I liked it and added “Eres tú otoño,” you are your fall, but that wasn’t quite right. Then I saw another word for fall in Spanish is entretiempo.
Eres tú entretiempo. You are your own becoming. Your in-between. Your own shift in seasons.
Entretiempo is another word for Spring or Fall but it literally means between time. I don’t know about you, but that is exactly how I’m feeling right now. Between time. Neither fully here, nor completely there.
In a state of limbo.
Kind of stuck.
In a passageway without an idea of how far to go before the through appears.
Half of my things are packed in boxes while I wait for news on the purchase of my first house which has dragged on for months. I know I should finish packing, but I can’t. I can see the other side- I know what I want it to be and feel and taste like. Yet I can’t seem to reach it.
The worst part is that I know something internal needs to click into place, that there is a part of me that is taking its time before moving forward. That something needs to be realized or seen or heard. Or released or softened or surrendered.
Meeker, Colorado 2017
Except I’ve tried all the things. Patience, persistence, crying, letting go, holding on, doing nothing, doing anything. I’ve tried being curious with my fear. What does it want to show me? What gift is trying to come forth? What gold could be mined from this time entretiempo?
I have no clue. All of the things aren’t working. No matter how badly I want to be past this or over it or through it or under it…here I am. Still in it. Not even sure if I’m halfway. No sign of a horizon to scan for waning or rising light. Not even darkness, just this pervasive feeling of static. Of wanting to push through a barrier or cross a threshold without one in sight.
So what to do?
Feel the stuck. The static. Let the slowest part of me take its sweet time, even if I don’t understand why.
Stop trying to figure it out.
Play with my puppy.
Try not to ask too many questions or demands. Give up looking for gold.
Stop trying to make sense.
And, listen to this sweet playlist.