I’m sitting inside a hostel in Copenhagen. It’s rainy and dreary outside. There are about three hours of daylight left, filtering through a thick canopy of clouds before night will fall. It’s my first week in Europe since I left France in May last year, a complete and total mess, puddle on the floor.
Oh, wait. I’m still that. A total, complete, hot mess. Nuclear meltdown. Gooey and all over the place. Asking myself every day, “What the hell am I doing? Why am I here again?” I don’t know yet. I’m not sure if I’m even close to figuring it out.
But I’m here. I arrived in Stockholm at 3am on Tuesday night. I was the only passenger on the shuttle taking me from the airport to the central station downtown. I stepped onto the bus and “Merry Christmas Baby,” was playing on the radio. It felt kind of perfect.
In the past few days I’ve played music trivia at a bar with strangers from Sweden and France (our group was named The International Conspiracy, of course). I’ve salsa danced with a guy from India in Copenhagen. I’ve spent a lot of time on trains. My body still hasn’t adjusted to European time, so I’ve spent a lot of nights awake and taken frequent naps on said trains. I’ve lost my credit card and not taken a single photograph.
“Showing up. That’s the key. Everything flows from there.” I saw this quote in a random magazine. I cut it out and now its pasted on the front page of my journal. Mostly, my state of consciousness vacillates between pumping myself up with, “I got this! I totally got this. I can do it. I can do it!” to the punctured balloon awareness of, “I don’t got this. Not even a little bit. Not at all.” It’s a pretty wide emotional spectrum.
Today I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m not sure if I “got” this or not, but I’m here. I’m showing up. I’m on my way, even if I’m not sure where that is yet, or what will be waiting for me when I get there. Most likely it will be another unfolding, a continuation of more and more and more. A never ending path to walk one step at a time.
Showing up. That’s the best I can do. Put together or not. Here I am. No promises, just presence. And love. Lots of love.Google+